It's Time! 2013 Edition

Hello Funkyfilmgoers!

Yes, it's that time AGAIN!!!  Summer is nigh, and Hollywood has prepared a buffet extraordinaire of sumptuous movie delicacies that we consumers will gorge on even before they hit theaters.  Everyone I know, young and old, is particularly excited about this summer's offerings.  Let's do a run down of the movies that excite the fans the most - meaning they will either be huge successes if they're good or massive FAILS if not.  Here we go!





FUNKYMAN'S 2013 GUIDE TO SUMMER MOVIES!!!!

May 3 - Iron Man 3
I've already seen this movie, and without doing a complete review (check back soon), I will say it's better than the last one.  Let's face it, everyone loves Iron Man and Robert Downey Jr. is worth watching even if it's not great.  Fortunately for us, Iron Man and the Avengers are the kind of magic you can't buy.

May 10 - The Great Gatsby
Leo!!!  Leo!!!  Enough said.  He's the only reason people are talking about this new rendition of the classic novel.  I'm sure girls everywhere will relive their childhood Titanic romance all over again.  I, for one, like Baz Luhrman.  A great director worthy of a summer movie.  I will definitely check this out.

May 10 - Tyler Perry presents Peeples
I am not seeing this movie because of Tyler Perry (whom I have a love/hate relationship with), but because of the comic genius of Craig Robinson and my friend David Alan Grier (Porgy & Bess woo hoo!) who guarantee this to be funny, even if the move isn't great.  Want to laugh, we should probably check this out.

May 17 - Star Trek:  Into Darkness
Star Trek.  Be there.  Is there anything else to say?

May 24 - EPIC
Summer blockbuster CGI animation often promises that it's something the filmmakers are proud of.  With this all star cast (including Beyonce?), it may be just that.  One can only hope.  Cars 2 was a debacle.

May 24 - Fast and Furious 6
Fast cars, girls, and faster cars.  I honestly can't believe we're on number 6 in this series, but the preview looks SO GOOD.  This may be a win.

May 24 - The Hangover:  Part III
I'm still laughing from the first one, so I'll forgive the retread that was Part II.  Maybe this will have something new for us to call a classic.  Maybe.

May 31 - After Earth
Will Smith and his son Jayden do big sci-fi in this survival epic.  Yes it looks awesome doesn't it?  But why don't they advertise the fact that the direct is M. Night Shyamalan?  Well folks, that's because almost every one of his last 5 movies have been horrendous.  I can't believe a big name like Will Smith would risk a big movie like this with this director, but hey, maybe there's redemption in store.  I pray.

June 7 - The Internship
Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson reunited from Wedding Crashers to send up Google and internet geeks.  I don't care what anyone says, Vince Vaughan is one of those actors that make me laugh no matter what he's in, and I'll see it.  Fortunately for me, he's often in really good material.  OK, I'll forgive the Psycho remake.  Ouch, that was bad.

June 7 - Tiger Eyes
No, this is not a big movie.  No big stars.  Just sending a shout-out to the Judy Blume fans out there!  Yay!  Tiger Eyes!

June 12 - This is the End
Speaking of funny . . . Seth Rogen and basically everyone who's ever been in a Judd Apatow film collaborate to make an armageddon comedy.  If you've seen the trailer, you know this is absolutely bananas.  I CAN'T WAIT.

June 14 - Man of Steel
The only reason to live until the second week of June.  OK, that's dramatic.  But people keep asking me if I'm excited about the new Superman movie, as if they don't know who I am.  YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!!!    Yes I'm excited.  DUH!  OMG!  IT BETTER BE GOOD THOUGH!!!!

June 21 - Monsters University
Once upon a time, I would caption any Pixar movie by just saying "Pixar. 'nuff said."  Well, after Cars 2, I changed my tune.  However, it is Pixar and their track record is pretty solid.  Monsters is a great movie.  Let's pray they did it again.

From here to the end, I can summarize these movies in very few words . . .

June 21 - World War Z
Brad Pitt and zombies.

June 28 - The Heat
Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy in a buddy cop flick.  Yes, this could be awesome.

June 28 - White House Down
Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx save the White House and America. 

July 3 - Despicable Me 2
Minions.  Yay.

July 3 - Kevin Hart:  Let Me Explain
If you don't think Kevin Hart is funny, unlike my page.  :-)

July 3 - Lone Ranger
Johnny Depp is Tonto.  Cultural insensitivity alert.  Let's hope for the best.

July 12 - Grown Ups 2
Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Kevin James, David Spade at it again.

July 12 - Pacific Rim
Get your IMAX 3D glasses ready.  Giant robots, Idris Elba.  Yes.

July 17 - Turbo
Dreamworks CGI about a racing snail.  Zzzzz.   Zzzzz.  OK, it might be fun for the family.

July 19 - R.I.P.D.
Jeff Bridges & Ryan Reynolds as gun-wielding ghost killers.  And Kevin Bacon is the villain?  One ticket please.

July 19 - Red 2
Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, & John Malkovich at it again as Retired but Extremely Dangerous.

July 19 - The Conjuring
Horror movie.  50/50 chance of failing.

July 26 - The Wolverine
Wolverine sells himself.

July 31 - The Smurfs 2
Could it be worse than the first one?  Yes.

August 2 - 2 Guns
Denzel Washington and Mark Walhberg in a crime thriller.

August 2 - 300:  Rise of An Empire
Without the original cast (because they all died in the first movie), this has the potential to be scary bad.

August 7 - Percy Jackson:  Sea of Monsters
Now that Harry Potter is done, it's Percy's time.  The 1st one was good!

August 9 - Disney's Planes
Pixar again.  Do we need talking planes.  Is this overkill?

August 9 - Elysium
Matt Damon looking bad-ass as ever.

August 16 - Kick-Ass 2
Must-see movie sequel.  Let's pray it lives up to the excellence of the 1st.


See you at the movies!

- Funkyman

"Weak" Days

"I've been away for a long time,
But now I'm back and ready to start again.
If you're wondering what's been on my mind,
All I can say is I was lost, but now I'm ready to win.
Sometimes along the way we fall and get off track,
But I'm back!"

- excerpt from "I'm Back" from the yet-to-be-finished musical Group Therapy by David F. Coleman


My dear Funkstonians,

I write to you today filled with love, peace, frustration, anger, and joy ALL at the same time because that's what a day in the life of Funky . . . anyone can be like.  I go through phases of peace in my day, and then . . . someone says something that drives me nuts!

You:  Like what?

Me:  I'm so glad you asked!  Let's just take this week alone.


Sunday, April 14:  My gospel ensemble, Confirmation sang at Simmons College for their African-American Alumnae Weekend.  They had an inspirational weekend of women inspiring women, and it closed with a Gospel Brunch.  My group was blessed to be there, and we were told the people were blessed by our music ministry.  A good day.  Amen.

Monday, April 15:  While sitting peacefully on duty at school, I get a phone call from my sister-in-law in Pennsylvania asking if I'm OK.  As I learn why she's calling, moments later I too watch in horror on my computer as the news media plays the footage of the bombings over and over.  The cloud I was on before has sunk a little bit and gotten darker.

Tuesday, April 16:  Taking my daughter to school, I'm listening to talk radio and hear a woman ranting and raving of how cold and heartless President Obama was in his remarks on the Boston bombing.  "He hates this country!"  "He's going to use this for political gain."  "What is wrong with this man?" 



Pause.



It's times like these that I cry racism.  People say they're not racist, but they're so blinded by their hate, they can't call a spade a spade.  (True, I admit - bad choice of words)

If Obama had shed a tear - "He's a wuss."  If Obama sounds somber and solemn - "He's a heartless cold man."  There's no winning.  But don't get me wrong.  Not everyone who dislikes Obama is a racist.  However, I can tell the ones that are because they have NOTHING, I mean NOTHING positive at all to say about him, and that isn't fair on any logical spectrum.  But I digress.

Back to the regularly scheduled adventure of Funkyman.



Wednesday, April 17:  For a case that could understandably take weeks or months to solve, the 24-hour news cycle is in a frenzy over getting the scoop on the leads surrounding finding a suspect.  Misinformation goes out about a suspect, about an arrest, about what he looks like, and everyone is gathering around the court house, their televisions, and their computers hoping to catch a glimpse of the "dark skinned" (oops) suspect as reported on CNN.  Turns out, hey, there's no arrest made.  There's no suspect in custody.  Massive media fail.  Turn off the news already and let the investigators do their job.

Meanwhile, I read about "the church that shall not be named" and their plans to come to Boston to protest the funerals of those killed because this was all God's wrath for allowing same-sex marriages.



Pause.








I can't.  I just can't sometimes. 








Thursday, April 18:  Interfaith Service in Boston.  Moving speeches by several individuals, most notably our mayor, our governor, and our president.

I hear a woman complain about Obama - "He didn't really say anything."  Insert scream here.

I read about atheists upset they were not represented in the service.  - WAIT.  For years atheists educate us that atheism is not a religion, not a belief system, not a philosophy, etc.  Now they complain that they're left out of an interFAITH service?  Make up your minds.  By the way, there are dozens of religions that were not represented at the service.  But they're not complaining.  Hey, it's not about representing everyone.  It's about manifesting the representation of all people who can often disagree coming together to agree.

OK, my rant is done for now.  I want to return to my state of peace and joy that I felt after Sunday before the events of this week began.  Maybe Friday I'll stop reading blogs and newsfeeds.

I have been away from blogging for so long to due to SO many life circumstances.  I pray I can get back into the groove. 

I have lots of good stuff to share.

Funk on!

- Funkyman

你好!

Hello or Ni Hao!

This has been the slowest year of me posting to The Adventures of Funkyman (TAOF), but it seems that my readership has sky-rocketed in China.  More hits from China than from the US this month, so welcome my Chinese brothers and sisters!  Like the Ukraine and Russia before you, I welcome you to this page with open arms.  This is what I told them last time . . .

To those of you new to TAOF, we discuss almost everything here, but especially popular culture, music, movies, education, comic books, and the occasional political rant.  OK, not so occasional.  But I write what I see, and in America there is no shortage of things to comment on.

So sit back and enjoy!  I'll be updating regularly very soon! 

- Funkyman

привет

Hello or Privet! my Funk-rades!

It has been 3 months since I've been able to update, but what brings me back today is the recent surge in readership from Russia.

For some reason (which I'm excited about), search engines in both the UK and in Russia have been on fire for the Adventures of Funkyman (TAOF) and directing a lot of readers here.

Well, to those of you new to TAOF, we discuss almost everything here, but especially popular culture, music, movies, education, comic books, and the occasional political rant.  OK, not so occasional.  But I write what I see, and in America there is no shortage of things to comment on.

So sit back and enjoy!  I'll be updating regularly very soon!  Here is a new video I made for my last CD project - The Jesus is the Man Project.  More info at http://www.jesusistheman.net.

I have more videos on the way!

- Funkyman

A Tribute to Hostess

Hello Funkycakes,

Last week's "sugar rush" roller coaster - Hostess announcing its end, then going into last minute talks of negotiations with the unions, then deciding to shut it down again - left America simultaneously weeping and rushing to the stores to buy up the last few wrapped baked goodies that most of us grew up eating.  As many of you know, I gave up eating foods with flour and sugar over 5 years ago, so I have not touched a Hostess treat in that time.  However, once upon a time . . .

So, in celebration of being Thankful, here is Funkyman's top 10 list of Hostess treats, in order, and why.  Enjoy!


10.  Sno Balls - These were cream-filled cupcakes smothered in marshmallow and covered in pink coconut.  Very tasty, though very messy with the coconut.  The cupcake for some reason could easily dry out, making the experience a downer, but if you were fortunate enough to get a fresh pack - WIN.

9.  Chocodiles - How many remember the jingle - "It takes a while to eat a Chocodile!"?  How many were kids like me saying, "Um . . . it takes 2 seconds to eat a Chocodile."  What's a Chocodile you ask?  Chocolate-covered Twinkie.  How could that concept go wrong right?  As tasty as they were, everyone preferred the original, though pretty much anything dipped in chocolate is a win. 

8.  Ding Dongs - The only reasons Chocodiles and Ding Dongs are so far down on the list is because they were variations on something even better.  But, do not get me wrong.  I LOVED DING DONGS.  They are basically chocolate covered cupcakes.  However, as much as I loved these cakes, I preferred their distant cousin even better.  Sorry Hostess, in the fight between snack cakes - RING DINGS RULED.  Ring Dings were slightly smaller but tastier versions of DIng Dongs, made by the baking company Drake's, which would be later bought and owned by Hostess.  I could eat Ring Dings all day every day . . . and there was a time when . . .

7.  Honeybuns - OK, if you didn't see this coming, you don't know Hostess.  Those little Iced Honey Buns are the crack cakes of legend.  Remember when they came out with the Glazed version?  Iced was always better - pure sugar rush deliciousness.  Man, it's making me nostalgic thinking about it.

6.  Ho-Ho's - So the Drake's vs. Hostess battle was a popular topic 20 years ago.  One of the most famous was Ho-Ho's vs. Yodels - both chocolate cake swiss roll style with creamy filling and then dipped completely in chocolate.  I knew die hard Yodels fans, but Ho-Ho's hung in there.  The great thing about Ho-Ho's was that they were small and made you FEEL like they weren't so bad.  Definitely smaller than . . .

5.  Suzy Q's - Man, who thought of this?  I don't know but I ate a lot of them.  Moist chocolate cake sandwiches with that wonderful Hostess creme filling as the main event.  They were messy.  They were huge.  As opposed to a Ho-Ho, you KNEW eating a Suzy Q was wrong.  And it was awesome.

4.  Donettes - In the "smaller is less egregious" category - here come the mini-donuts.  For some reason, the Powdered Donettes were my favorite - they had a smooth, sweet delivery and were so addictive, you could easily eat 10 without blinking.  The worst was when someone would by a bag or large box of these, and you start counting to yourself - "OK, there are usually 6 in a pack, so one more is not too bad . . . "  The chocolate ones were amazing too.  6 to a pack?  WIN.

3.  Cupcakes - Alright, top 3 here we go.  Today, cupcakes are multi-million dollar industry.  Cupcakes come in every size, style, and flavor.  However, whenever someone says the word "cupcakes," I think of these.  Chocolate covered chocolate cupcakes.  WIN.  The squiggly white signature on top is classic and almost synonomous with Hostess.  When I see the Little Debbie "imposters", I get angry (though they have many tasty treats as well).  Did anyone ever eat the orange ones?

2.  Fruit Pies - While this may come as a surprise to some, fruit pies were my favorite.  I know some didn't care for them, but for those of you who loved them, you feel me?  The Lemon Pie - outrageous.  The Apple Pie - perfection.  The Cherry Pie - . . . BLISS.  I ate more pies than I should have, I admit.  But that's what this drug does to you.  It's a horrible addiction!  Which brings us to number 1 - duh.

1.  Twinkies - While fruit pies were my favorite, the TRUTH is that Twinkies are the greatest contribution to snack food pastries in the history of America.  For the sheer fact that they stayed edible on the shelf FOREVER alone, they deserve this distinction - though I would have highly encouraged you to eat by the date on the box for maximum enjoyment.  I really don't know what it was (WOW, I just said "was" - it's really over!) about the Twinkie that made it so perfect, but there was something different about the moist, spongey cake.  Yes, we all loved the creme filling, but that cake was special - ESPECIALLY the BOTTOMS - real Twinkie enthusiasts will agree.  Didn't you hate when the bottom of the cake STUCK to the cardboard?  FAIL!  Real Twinkie addicts KNEW that you needed to buy them in bulk, individually wrapped, to avoid this disaster.  Then, you could eat one Twinkie at a time and play the "I'm only eating one Twinkie" game with yourself - even though, you just inhaled 4.  And once upon a time, Twinkies came 3 to a pack - does anyone remember that?

Will anyone remember Hostess in 25 years?  Those of us who grew up eating these products will, though our children will forget.  I will close by saying there was never a doubt in my mind my entire life that Hostess had the monopoly on being the best.  They just were. 

And now . . . it's over.  Though I stopped eating treats like this years ago, I'm sad to see such a major part of my eating experience gone from the shelves forever.  Little Debbie - are you happy now?  It's your world now.  Go and enslave millions more flour and sugar junkies.  America, enjoy those Oatmeal Creme Pies (so good!) and Nutty Bars.  You'll have to do it without your diabetic but slimmer & medication free

- Funkyman