You: Christmas?
Funkyman: Nope, but that can be good.
You: Tax Refund Day?
Funkyman: Nope, but that's a good one too.
You: My child's birthday?
Funkyman: No - even better! SUMMER MOVIES!!!
You: That's horrible!
Funkyman: What? OK, fine. I prefer my daughter's birthday, but that only happens on one day a year (May 6 - Happy Birthday Aimée! Papa's just fooling around).
Now back to the regularly scheduled adventure of Funkyman . . . This summer is JAM-PACKED with enough superhero, sci-fi, CGI, fantasy, and comedy to make anyone happy - even the non-fanboys and girls. There are more than 100 movies coming out this summer. Here are the biggest ones that I think have the biggest potential to be awesome or FAIL miserably! Great expectations can create great disappointments. Well, enough of my yapping. Let's go!
May 4 - The Avengers
For years now, Marvel Comics has focused its creative energies in Hollywood with Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Hulk, Thor, and Captain America movies - each one a success in its own right. I cannot remember an event like this in history, where a comic book franchise has brought together so many powerful characters together into one story arc. It's exciting just in theory. Let's pray that it pays off in practice. I'm rooting for the Avengers!
May 11 - Dark Shadows
Usually, when Tim Burton and Johnny Depp do a film together, it's a must-see event. However, I was disappointed by their last two outings - Charlie & the Chocolate Factory & Alice in Wonderland. In the 80's and 90's, Burton's bizarre visions were wonderful, shocking, and fresh. But sometimes bizarre is just bizarre. I'm rooting for Dark Shadows because I love both artists.
May 16 - The Dictator
Are we ready for another Sacha Baron Cohen comedy? Borat was perfectly timed genius. Bruno was unapologetically hilarious, though not as popular. As an owner of the complete DVD set of Da Ali G Show, I am a proven fan, but even I question whether or not we've seen his best work already. Hopefully, he can pull it off.
May 18 - Battleship
Let's see: Aliens. CGI. Loud Noise. Liam Neeson. Yes, I'll be there. Don't judge me. I am the target audience, but what do you think they spend all of that money for? Of course, I would love a good story to go with it, but seeing this stuff on an IMAX is worth the price of admission. Somebody's got to help them recoup their losses!
May 25 - Men in Black 3
When I heard they were making this movie, I was pretty sure I wouldn't care. When I saw that Josh Brolin would be playing a young Agent K. I was sold.
June 1 - Snow White and the Huntsman
Charlize Theron rocks. Perfect villain. Is there another reason to see this movie?
June 8 - Prometheus
Let's see: Aliens. CGI. Loud Noise. Ridley Scott. Yes, I'll be there. See Battleship for why.
June 15 - That's My Boy
Adam Sandler needs a hit. Bad. Maybe Andy Samberg can help.
June 22 - Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
The title alone sells this movie. How can you NOT see this?
June 22 - Brave
I will see any movie Pixar makes, though, Cars 2 made me put my foot in my mouth about their inability to fail. I really hope that their concentration on a strong female character is a win. For everyone.
June 29 - G.I. Joe: Retaliation
Let's see: Aliens. CGI. Loud Noise. The Rock. Yes, I'll be there. What? No aliens? Hmmm . . . Isn't Ray Park in this? Close enough! (Darth Maul)
June 29 - Magic Mike
I think it's pretty boss that Channing Tatum will be releasing two movies on the SAME DAY - G.I. Joe and Magic Mike. In one, he's a macho soldier, and in the other, he's a male stripper. After seeing him in 21 Jump Street, I actually have faith that he can do just about anything. And that's saying A LOT after Step Up!
July 3 - The Amazing Spider-Man
O.K. I've resisted writing pages and pages of blog about how ridiculous it is that we have ANOTHER Spider-Man origin movie so soon after the 2002 Tobey Maguire version - which was awesome. The set-up for comparison will be impossible to avoid. But, hey - it's Spider-Man. They will make a ton of money, and they certainly will get mine. I just hope it's worth it.
July 20 - The Dark Knight Rises
Probably, the most anticipated movie of the year. I have no doubt that Christopher Nolan (Inception, Dark Knight) has no intention of ending his Batman trilogy with a weak installment. Fasten your seatbelts.
July 27 - Neighborhood Watch
Put Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Jonah Hil in the same movie, and who cares about the plot right? Three of the funniest movie actors alive better hit a homerun.
August 3 - The Bourne Legacy
The first 3 Bourne movies have the distinct praise of each one being better than the previous one. That's A LOT of pressure for this one which doesn't even have Matt Damon or even the character Jason Bourne in the movie! Are they trying to sell me a movie on the title alone? Or are they crazy like a fox?
August 3 - Total Recall
Colin Farrell in the remake of the 1990 Verhoeven/Schwarznegger hit. It was a lot of fun the first time, but Colin Farrell has a bad track record with remakes. S.W.A.T., Miami Vice, Fright Night - all amazingly boring. What's he going to do next? How about a good movie?
August 10 - The Campaign
Will Ferrell. Zach Galifianakis. One ticket please.
August 17 - The Expendables 2
I only put this on the list because I wanted a good laugh. Ha ha ha. OK, I have ZERO intention of seeing this. I can't even believe they made a sequel. These guys need to stop lending credit to the meat-head stereotype. Enough already. I mean, have you seen the preview for this? It's like a parody of itself. True comedy.
August 17 - Sparkle
Whitney Houston's name will give this movie all of the boost it needs to do well. I hope it honors her musical legacy.
All in all, this promises to be a great summer of movies . . . for teenage boys. Yes, there are other movies coming out, but honestly, they don't look that interesting at all. All eyes will be on the above pictures. As for this fanboy, any summer with Spider-Man, Batman, Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, AND Captain America?
That's a win. I love you Aimée, but papa's going to the movies! - Funkyman
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